I don't know if I'm meant to
have friends. I used to be able to make them. I've never been good at keeping them. I have three now. Three friends. It sounds pathetic, but they're also three of the most wonderful, compassionate, justice-minded humans I've ever met, so I'm honored to have them.
But I have rotten luck when it comes to friend break-ups. They're rare, but when they do happen? Boy, are they unpleasant. For the most part, my former friends are former due to time, distance, neglect. Not an intentional choice to leave. But L--in the context of being diagnosed autistic, I can give myself some grace for how I completely misunderstood that situation and fucked up. I took her at her word, which was the wrong move. But that's so long ago, I hardly think about L at all. I hope she's well. Still, I wish neurotypical people were more direct.
Then S. What a piece of shit, seriously. Fucked up my final semester at seminary, told so many people I was literally suicidal to the point that no one wanted anything to do with me. They could hardly look at me. I've never felt so isolated in my entire life. That was the semester when my drinking became unmanageable. I don't trust people anymore because of you. You are why I can't open up to people. You claimed to care, and then abandoned me after almost ruining my life. Again, I'll repeat: what a piece of shit. Not worth thinking about.
And C, I already wrote about that today, so not worth repeating. All I'll say is that I was there for her when her asshole boyfriends dumped her the moment she arrived to visit me because they knew I'd be there to comfort her--twice, years apart, two awful men and two times I pivoted instantly, without thought to comforting and supporting her. Yet the one time I truly needed her to show up and explicitly told her that, she refused. I don't think she was ever really my friend. At least not in the way it mattered.
But like I said, my three friends are excellent and I wouldn't trade them for three hundred. They care about the world around them, they make changes to live more ethically, and they're there for me. They help me be a better person, make me want to be better, inspire me to be. I love them, and I know they love me.
So I might not be meant to have a lot of friends, but I am meant to have them, and that's more than enough for me.